He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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