I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
