Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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