nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
