Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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