New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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