Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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