and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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