the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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