You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
