Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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