thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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