the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
