Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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