It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I won the penis lottery.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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