I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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