Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't deserve a penis
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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