it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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