I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
