the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
