at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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