So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
