His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
