True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
