and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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