All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
