We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
