you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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