I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
