My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
