Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
