dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
