Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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