dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
