NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
