I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
