Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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