the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
