i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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