my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
