you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
