Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
