Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
