Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
