Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
