Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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