And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
