I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
