I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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