i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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