Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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