Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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