yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
