nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
