I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
