i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
