I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize